Trinbago take 2 – Break Down to Break Through.

What if you fight against the odds, defy ‘normality’ and redefine ‘success’ – the dyslexic becomes a poet/ the girl from Ilford an academic/ the prolific bashment raver an Artistic Director. Then, you realise everything you have worked 18 hour days for, for 10 years (since you were 15) sacrificed your teenage years for – isn’t where you need to be anymore.

18 months ago, I gave up every component of my life because I realised I needed to go home. To Ilford, to my family, to my friends, to grime, to rage, to fear, to trauma, to the boxes I had locked into the loft for so long. I left a city that had been home for 8 years (my whole adult life) a company I started and established for 6, a relationship I had been in for 5 and a physical home I had built for 3 – all to live in my old tiny bedroom with my parents, in Ilford, at 26.

It doesn’t seem like the obvious road to success. But I had realised I had lost part of who I was and I needed to reclaim it. 

I also had realised that, though I was doing so many things I was proud of and loved, I had stopped being happy. Although I did things that made me happy retrospectively, though I could talk to you about joy and pride – on a daily basis I was too exhausted to remember what the experience of joy was.

But something happened in Trinidad – something about the cocoa, pepper and hips, the undercurrent of pain and the way their voices sing over and through it. The theme somehow – take disruption as opportunity, serendipity. Yes, Debris, you always have a plan, but if there is traffic down the planned road and a hot air balloon presents itself on the hard shoulder – why refuse yourself the view?  

This trip was a hot air balloon ride – at times slow and blown in directions that could make me anxious but the views of the people, the places, the music were so beautiful and right I had to just stop and breathe and stretch in the sunlight of it all.

I wanted to share this because I can be obsess over productivity – and compare ‘success’ and ‘accomplishment’ and ‘drive’ to the social media timelines of others. It doesn’t always look like we expect it to. This is my call to keep space in yourself for diversion and reflection. And a call to myself to stop waiting till I am sick to do so (ironically ill as I type this but hey, one step at a time).

The bridge between breakdown and breakthrough:

  • Yoga with Adrienne 3 times a week (as little as 10mins as much as 90min).dirty medics 1
  • Swimming for an hour a week under the stars.
  • Dancing every day (5min like a loon in the living room or 10 hours in the streets of Trinidad – ideally a range).
  • Letting my house mates distract me with Dobble, Jenga and gold fish funerals.
  • Letting the beautiful friends I make distract me; missions for coconut water, trips to the beach, conversations in the doorway, searching for something on Netflix to watch for an hour then watching nothing, rewatching Black Mirror and cycling down the motorway.
  • If a poem starts happening – from you or someone else, no matter how random or exhausted, let it.
  • Lying on the floor after yoga, and just being with myself (I can only actually do this whilst listening to James Blake).
  • Make Pie Charts for; what makes you happy, what you spend time on, what you want to spend time on, what stresses you out. E.g.:

IMG_0711 IMG_0713IMG_0712

  • Message your mum back on facebook.

Give some a go?

Lastly, I want to say thank you for the poets that let me into their work, the humans that let me into their lives and the families that let me into their homes. In terms of that time pie chart – I have learned the importance of keeping 5-10% of myself free to show the same generosity to others that has been shown to me by the beautiful people of Trinidad. I had a little cry on the plane for how overwhelmed by love, care and appreciation I feel.

Thank you. Let the hard work continue.

 

From UK to T&T – Who do You Want to be?

So about a year ago I made a 4 year plan under the instruction of Charlie Dark – what do I want to achieve and who do I want to be by the time I am 30. I wanted to post a picture of it but it coveres; dance, poetry, performance, publishing, music, self, drawing and family so there are a few quiet personal things on there I didn’t want to announce. It is colour coordinated and each point also has a timeline of achievement and immediate to do in place.

I also made a daily to do list on top of that, because in the past I have become so focused on long-term plans I stopped enjoying my life on a daily!

Daily to do:

  1. Write.
  2. Dance, Physio or Exercise.
  3. Swim or Stretch or be present – let yourself sit in joy or peace.
  4. Performance/ Vocal Practice.
  5. Have space for compassion/ time for others; a stranger or a loved one.
  6. Spontaneity – let what could be a distraction become an opportunity, what could be seen as a disturbance becomes serendipity (this means these 6 things can go out the window sometimes!)

The balance between those long-term goals and every day enjoyment is essential for me – Coming to Trinidad and Tobago has always been a dream and though I am not entirely sure about laws of attraction this is the second time I have said I WILL GO X PLACE AT X TIME and then I have been booked to go!

So this is a summery of my balancing act for my 6 out of 7 weeks here, hopefully it will inspire you to look back at what you have achieved, sit in what you are doing and/or look forward into what you are working towards.

I have:

  • Been tasted by 475 mosquitos.
  • Made a poetry/dance film at the top of IMG_0326.JPGa fire tower with the insanely talented, efficient, calm, honest (and hilarious) Pippa Riddick
    .
  • Facilitated a week of #TalkingDoorsteps workshops culminating in a show and 17 poetry films and show in an amphitheatre in Lopinot (Cafe Mariposa) for Roundhouse, British Council and The 2 Cents Movement with support and reflective insights from Debo and Joe Hakim.
  • Written poems I thought it would take my whole life to crack into.
  • Performed to thousands of Trinbagonian (wait is that correct?) students via the PSI Caribbean across 10 schools in Trinidad.
  • Created a show in a week with Deneka Thomas, Marcus Millette, Seth Sylvester, Kyle Daniel Hernandez and Micko Burnard Logie.
  • Had countless conversations with young people who want to see real change around gender based violence and are not scared to challenge, innovate and questions.
  • Facilitated 4 out of 6 foundational training sessions for the core Artistic Force of 2cents and been pushed as a facilitator/ educator and artist.
  • Danced, spoken, opened and learned from Ariana Herbert on a daily basis – not to mention gained a new family across the world in the form of the beautiful Herberts.
  • Learned daily from the powerhouse that is Jean-Claude Cournand – reminded of the power, beauty and humility that can be contained in one human.
  • Taken about 4million selfies with students and signed a good 50 autographs (Jokes).
  • Laughed.
  • Cried.
  • Grieved for my grandmother, who passed away the first week I got here.
  • Connected with my family despite being half way across the world.
  • Celebrated my dads 60th.
  • Had a real conversation with my Mum.
  • Learned new dance moves.
  • Got the second X-ray of my life.
  • Finished a funding bid.
  • Evaluated a funding bid.
  • Started collaborations with Bridie Squires and Ash Er.
  • Curated a show for the Southbank Centre – Gyal in da Corner.
  • Felt at home with Isaiah McClean, Donald Modeste and Kars Logic.
  • Brainstormed with the powerhouse which is Marina Salandy Brown  Bocas Lit Fest.
  • Trained 5 times a week.
  • Started my Yoga practice 2-3 hours a week.
  • Stolen movement ideas from the legendary Hannah Silva.
  • Got 3 steps closer to a headstand.
  • Got my straddle splits back.IMG_0774.JPG
  • Been serenaded by a stranger with a guitar on a beach.
  • Become 80% coconut water.
  • Drawn for the first time in a year.
  • Replaced by hands with peacocks, courtesy of Thad
    dy Boom.
  • Become a paint pallet.
  • Danced on top of a cooler in a flood as the sun came up.

 

Lets see what this last 11 days has tIMG_0954.JPGo offer. Already planned; toe recovery (reason for x-ray), Mass with Fantasy, Jouvert with Dirty Medics, Machel
Monday, my second ever tattoo, 3 new tunes and a second draft of the Poet in da Corner Script

What intensions you setting?